Somehow the checking of my cervix was what I needed to make me appreciate having the baby stay inside safe and sound. I was, as the doctor put it, "completely at a 0 and maybe barely 40% effaced." I didn't suspect I would have been progressed in that area anyways as this baby still hasn't dropped. Don't get me wrong, I would love for this baby to come but ever since that day, I lay in bed at night with my thoughts and freak myself out, thinking, "Oh my heck Jill, you are so close to having the baby. You have to take care of this baby. Money is already tight and you will have to pay for diapers and wipes. You have to go through labor and push a baby sized baby out your freaking vagina. You are sooooo not ready to have this baby come yet."
I did a complete turn around from, "GET THIS BABY OUT!!!" to "Oh please baby don't come yet, I don't think Im ready to be a mom for the rest of my life." Granted there is most of the day where I am saying, "I can't wait to meet you!"
Well on Monday, I went in for my 37 week appointment and expecting not to be dilated at all as I did nothing really different and the baby still hadn't dropped (the nurse and doctor agreed with me). I almost said no to getting my cervix checked when the nurse asked if I wanted to be checked. Thank goodness I said yes because when they checked me again, the doctor, with a surprised look on his face said, "Wow, you are actually dilated to a 1 and 80% effaced!" The nurse was just as shocked as I was. Although I know that doesn't mean anything as I could stay at 1 centimeter dilated for the rest of the pregnancy, it was another shocker that this baby is coming.....SOON. I still can't believe it. I am almost down to 2 weeks and I wonder everyday if this will be the day the baby decides to come.
The fact that I will never be alone again has hit me so much harder knowing that I just have a measly 2 weeks and 4 days left. I have 2 weeks and 4 days of just Jake and I. I have 2 weeks and 4 days till I am a mother. What a blessing to have made it this far into the pregnancy. The lord is good to me.
Even with all the negative, I am starting to realize that none of that matters as long as I get to have my little girl as the outcome. I never could've anticipated how hard pregnancy would be and I am so mad at myself for not letting myself enjoy it more and enjoy this bond I get to share with this human that I am creating. I am literally creating life and I was so silly to think that it would come easy. I hope I continue to work on finding joy in a trial because there is more joy than negative as was a lesson taught by someone I haven't even met yet.
I want to leave with this question. What thoughts are keeping you from being happy? We can work on it together!
