hum·bug
ˈhəmˌbəɡ/
noun
- 1.deceptive or false talk or behavior."his comments are sheer humbug"
I know I am deceiving myself to "false talk" but sometimes you just can't help it and to be honest sometimes I don't think Im deceiving myself with lies about my body, sometimes I truly believe my negative thinking.
Now that I have had Abigail, I have a new sense of "Yes, I have my body back!", but then I hear the shattering glass of realization when I look in the mirror and say in my head (as I slowly scan every section of my person), "What the heck happened to my body!?" From being pregnant I got psoriasis on the inside of my thighs which looks like I have a giant rash or some sort of sexually transmitted disease! Ok, ok, that last one was a little extreme but thats seriously what I assume people will say if they saw my thighs. I can hear Jake saying, "Assuming makes and ass out of you and me." Ugh, I hate when he is right.
I got into the Pinterest trap where you are looking for one thing and then after an hour you are looking at something completely non related to your original search, like awkward family photos or husky puppies. I started looking for sports bra's that give you lots of support because thanks to having a baby and pregnancy my breasts grew 2 sizes larger, which is annoying because I already had big boobs and now its so much worse. If you think having big boobs would be great, think again. You can't wear certain shirts because the buttons will pop off, finding swimsuit tops that don't make your boobs sag is super hard, your boobs sag (even worse after having a baby and breastfeeding), and you bump them into everything. Heres a little embarrassing story, I was at Jakes grandma's house and was drinking hot wassle when I wanted to reach over and grab my iPad across the table. Forgetting that since having a baby my boobs were now twice the size they originally were, on the way back to my seat, my boob literally knocked the cup of hot wassle all over me.
Anyways, I ended up looking at swimsuits on Pinterest and after 45 minutes of looking at swimsuits, I thought, "What are you doing? You can't wear a swimsuit. You would have to wear long shorts while swimming in order to hide your psoriasis. You wouldn't be able to wear that cute one piece because the medication to help your psoriasis has given you extra stretch marks around your thighs" *Sound of shattering glass* "Oh man thats a cute sports bra! ....Oh wait, medium coverage? DANG IT ALL! I will need maximum coverage to hold these stupidly huge suckers down." *Sound of shattering glass* "Man, I can't wait to wear all my pre-pregnancy shirts!.......Yep, none of my shirts fit my boobs." *Sound of glass shattering*
Don't get me wrong, Abigail was totally worth all of my troubles, but gosh darn it Darlene, it all just sucks sometimes. I mean my new name can literally be called Tony the Tiger because the stretch marks across my lower abdomen looks like tiger stripes. I made it to 39 weeks of pregnancy without stretch marks and then all of a sudden, BAM, there they were. I can hear the constant phrase of Tony the Tiger when I look in the mirror at them, "They're GRRREAT!"
NO TONY, THEY FREAKING SUCK! I try and stay positive by saying, "It's my motherhood scars.", to somehow soften the blow of the constant body hum bug in my mind.
Every girl has insecurities and you better believe I am going to force myself to buy a cute swimsuit and then go swimming where there are lots of people around even with the stretch marks and psoriasis because confidence is key. If I can just own what my body is instead of trying to change things that can't be changed then I will never be able to live my life and have fun. I hear some of my friends talk about their insecurities and I want to just slap them because I do not see what they see as their "Body Hum Bugs". If they only knew how truly beautiful they are.
It makes me think, well someone must want to slap me for what I consider are my "Body Hum Bugs". Have confidence. Learning to love yourself takes a long time. To tell you an honest secret, It took me until 2 and a half years into mine and Jake's marriage to go out in public without mascara on because I feel I look like a man without makeup. I still struggle with it but have been able to finally let go of some of that insecurity. We all have insecurities and I hope that I can slowly start to love myself and not base the love off what I think other people will think of me or comparing myself to others. Pregnancy taught me one great lesson. Not one person is the same. We each have our different challenges. I can't compare myself to others and I especially have to watch when I "hum bug" about my body. I am not your body and you are not mine. I am not you, I am me.
My mother in law texted this wonderful quote this morning and I love it.
"The next time Satan whispers to you that you're fat, ugly, tall or short, just whisper back: "At least I have a body."
