What I Was Thinking Was Wrong

Its been months since I last posted, but for those of you that know me, know that Im the worst at writing letters and actually following through with things I start. Im trying to work on that though. Im trying to work on a lot of my short comings.

If you didn't already know, I started a health program called Take Shape For Life in which I have lost 23 pounds so far and have about 12 more to get to my high school weight. In the book this program gives you, it asks you about what you really want, what you TRULY want with your health.

The book talks about the difference between conflict driven motivation and a positive-driven motivation. It states that a conflict-driven motivation is one of the major reasons people yo-yo. Let me explain what conflict-driven motivation means a little.

Conflict-Driven motivation is thinking in terms of trying to fix your bad health (a problem orientation). For example: You're motivated to take action to get rid of a problem.

What you should be thinking is the positive-driven motivation (outcome orientation). We need to shift our focus to creating health not wanting to create health to fix a problem we have.

For example: "I want to lose weight to fix the horrible feelings about myself." When really I should be thinking, "I want and am going to become healthier and by so doing will lose weight and will learn how to keep it off because I TRULY want to be healthy and stay that way." Sound different?

I have been pondering this question a lot in my mind. What do I truly want? I have been scared because at first it was because I wanted to just lose the weight to feel better about myself and I feared as soon as the program was over and I hit my goal weight, I would go right back to yo-yo'ing.

What do I truly want out of my health?

It wasn't until a few days ago that I really was able to sit myself down and say, "I TRULY want to be healthy! I want to be able to grow old and be in shape to enjoy life, have more energy, go on hikes and runs. I want to be able to do things with my kids in the future and not be out of breath. Most importantly I want to stay healthy for ME. I'm not going to go back and forth with my weight and feel yucky and uncomfortable wherever I go. I'M DONE HIDING MY BODY.

I now understand that I am going to have do things I don't like to do in order to stay healthy. If any one knows me, knows that I am lazy. Unfortunately as well, I would do anything to get out of something I didn't want to do. Lie, plan other things, or simply don't do them. That is my fault and I am paying the price of those continual actions in the past. This will be a hard thing for me to not be so selfish and actually do things I don't want to do. But I will do them because it will help with what I TRULY want which is to become a Happier Healthier Me. I am grateful for the many small testimonies I was given of knowing how great it feels to accomplish something I didn't want to do to help me with this aspect. An example for all of us, is doing service or service projects, we don't like wasting a Saturday doing service or any of our precious time for that matter, but we all know how great we feel after. It's the same with working out and other things health related. We may not like it but the rewards are so beneficial for who we are and who we are to become. We need to remember to keep in mind, will this decision help or hurt my ultimate goal, will it help or hurt what I TRULY want?

I realize that my thoughts and feelings prior to starting this program were all wrong. I wanted to solve the problem of my weight because of the way I felt. I was jealous of everyone who could eat and eat, not exercise and not gain any weight. I was so bitter and envious that my thought was, "If I lose the weight I am golden because I fixed the problem and I can eat what I want some of the time because it's not fair that some girls can eat what they want and not get fat and not me." Obviously that's false and envy can create stupid/childish/selfish thoughts in your mind.

I found the quote below and Im sure everyone knows it but it touched me in a certain way when reading it again. (That is why the scriptures are so amazing, you read a verse on day and the next it could mean something different and you can still feel the love of Christ.)

Lately I have realized how much my insecurities have turned me to criticizing others to make me feel better about myself. Does it make you feel better? No. Not even a pinch. In fact it makes you fall deeper into more insecurities. 

As I was driving with my husband down the street, we passed a woman walking down main street. My mind turned to a cruel thought of judgment. Every girl has done it, every person has done it. But I testify and tell you the spirit spoke to me to teach me a lesson and I actually heard these words so clear in my mind:

"He who is without fault, let him cast the first stone."

After that special learning moment from christ, when a thought of cruel words pop into my mind, that special scripture becomes clear and I quickly withdraw my thoughts and turn them to thoughts of compassion. Who am I to judge another of their faults, when I have faults of my own.

This Gospel is true. "I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it..." Everything I am, I have, and hope to be, I owe to the most loving father in heaven.