Body Hum Bug

Im feeling a little hum bug'ish about my body today. The definition of Hum Bug is:

hum·bug

ˈhəmˌbəɡ/

noun

1. 1. 

   deceptive or false talk or behavior.

   "his comments are sheer humbug"

I know I am deceiving myself to "false talk" but sometimes you just can't help it and to be honest sometimes I don't think Im deceiving myself with lies about my body, sometimes I truly believe my negative thinking.

Now that I have had Abigail, I have a new sense of "Yes, I have my body back!", but then I hear the shattering glass of realization when I look in the mirror and say in my head (as I slowly scan every section of my person), "What the heck happened to my body!?" From being pregnant I got psoriasis on the inside of my thighs which looks like I have a giant rash or some sort of sexually transmitted disease! Ok, ok, that last one was a little extreme but thats seriously what I assume people will say if they saw my thighs. I can hear Jake saying, "Assuming makes and ass out of you and me." Ugh, I hate when he is right.

I got into the Pinterest trap where you are looking for one thing and then after an hour you are looking at something completely non related to your original search, like awkward family photos or husky puppies. I started looking for sports bra's that give you lots of support because thanks to having a baby and pregnancy my breasts grew 2 sizes larger, which is annoying because I already had big boobs and now its so much worse. If you think having big boobs would be great, think again. You can't wear certain shirts because the buttons will pop off, finding swimsuit tops that don't make your boobs sag is super hard, your boobs sag (even worse after having a baby and breastfeeding), and you bump them into everything. Heres a little embarrassing story, I was at Jakes grandma's house and was drinking hot wassle when I wanted to reach over and grab my iPad across the table. Forgetting that since having a baby my boobs were now twice the size they originally were, on the way back to my seat, my boob literally knocked the cup of hot wassle all over me.

Anyways, I ended up looking at swimsuits on Pinterest and after 45 minutes of looking at swimsuits, I thought, "What are you doing? You can't wear a swimsuit. You would have to wear long shorts while swimming in order to hide your psoriasis. You wouldn't be able to wear that cute one piece because the medication to help your psoriasis has given you extra stretch marks around your thighs" *Sound of shattering glass* "Oh man thats a cute sports bra! ....Oh wait, medium coverage? DANG IT ALL! I will need maximum coverage to hold these stupidly huge suckers down." *Sound of shattering glass* "Man, I can't wait to wear all my pre-pregnancy shirts!.......Yep, none of my shirts fit my boobs." *Sound of glass shattering*

Don't get me wrong, Abigail was totally worth all of my troubles, but gosh darn it Darlene, it all just sucks sometimes. I mean my new name can literally be called Tony the Tiger because the stretch marks across my lower abdomen looks like tiger stripes. I made it to 39 weeks of pregnancy without stretch marks and then all of a sudden, BAM, there they were. I can hear the constant phrase of Tony the Tiger when I look in the mirror at them, "They're GRRREAT!"

NO TONY, THEY FREAKING SUCK! I try and stay positive by saying, "It's my motherhood scars.", to somehow soften the blow of the constant body hum bug in my mind.

Every girl has insecurities and you better believe I am going to force myself to buy a cute swimsuit and then go swimming where there are lots of people around even with the stretch marks and psoriasis because confidence is key. If I can just own what my body is instead of trying to change things that can't be changed then I will never be able to live my life and have fun. I hear some of my friends talk about their insecurities and I want to just slap them because I do not see what they see as their "Body Hum Bugs". If they only knew how truly beautiful they are.

It makes me think, well someone must want to slap me for what I consider are my "Body Hum Bugs". Have confidence. Learning to love yourself takes a long time. To tell you an honest secret, It took me until 2 and a half years into mine and Jake's marriage to go out in public without mascara on because I feel I look like a man without makeup. I still struggle with it but have been able to finally let go of some of that insecurity. We all have insecurities and I hope that I can slowly start to love myself and not base the love off what I think other people will think of me or comparing myself to others. Pregnancy taught me one great lesson. Not one person is the same. We each have our different challenges. I can't compare myself to others and I especially have to watch when I "hum bug" about my body. I am not your body and you are not mine. I am not you, I am me.

My mother in law texted this wonderful quote this morning and I love it.

"The next time Satan whispers to you that you're fat, ugly, tall or short, just whisper back: "At least I have a body."

The Birth Story Of My Abigail Ruth

Well, I think it is time that I hurry and write the birth story for my personal records before Abigail wakes up and I procrastinate a little more and forget everything. Lets start from the beginning shall we?

On Sunday November 15th at 7:30 p.m. I called into Labor and Delivery a half an hour early because I just couldn't wait. We called to see if we were good to come in and start the induction to get Abigail here. We got the green light and as I hung up the phone, it was like the excitement and nervousness kicked in all at once. I was supposed to eat something before we went in and Jake and I had perviously gotten some tomato basil soup to warm up for this very moment but I barely finished the small amount of soup because I was so anxious. We went through the list of last minute things to put in our hospital bag and packed up the car and off we went taking the three minute drive to the womens center. As I looked at the empty carseat behind me, I was amazed and almost non-believing that it would no longer stay empty. Walking into the hospital was a weird feeling. As I looked at Jake, squeezed his hand, and waddled into the elevator, I was so full of love for that man and couldn't help but cherish this last special moment with just us two.

We were led into the hospital room which luckily had a long couch for Jake to sleep on and lots of room. I changed into my hospital gown, still in a blurry haze of unbelief at what was happening or going to happen. My goals for the delivery were to have a natural birth, not be a screamer, and not to be rude or mean towards Jake or anyone for that matter. I achieved two of these three main goals. I was given the IV on my right arm but as she put the IV in, my vein popped, so she had to go to the left arm and put the IV in there. It didn't hurt at all. Ok thats an exaggeration but really it was pretty painless for me. Im also happy and grateful that the IV was placed in my left arm instead of my right because it would've bugged me so much if it were on my right arm because I use my right hand for everything.

They checked my cervix and after a week since the last check I was still at 1 1/2 centimeters dilated and 85-90% effaced. Disappointing, but, that didn't really bother me anymore knowing that she was coming the next day any ways. I was given the first out of three doses of a tiny pill they place in your cervix to help you dilate and contract. The first dose I took orally. I soon found a comfortable spot on the bed and tried going to sleep which really didn't happen because I was so anxious and I had to get up often and pull the big cart thing that had the IV on it, pull out the contraction and baby heart monitor plugs, and wheel my way to the toilet to pee in a tiny bucket so the nurses could see how much I was unrinating. GLAM-O-ROUS! The monitor showed that I was contracting but I was not feeling anything. I later came to the realization that I had been feeling braxton hicks contractions for a few weeks prior but didn't realize it was braxton hicks cause I didn't know what they felt like. They were not painful so I just thought it was the baby rolling in my belly.

After three hours the nurse came back in and checked me, I was still at 1 1/2 centimeters dilated and the same 85-95% effaced so they gave me the second dose and placed the pill in my cervix. After an hour, at around 3:00 a.m., I started to actually feel some pain associated with the contractions. Jake was trying to catch up on sleep. The contractions started to become more regular and stronger but when the nurse came into check me 3 hours after the pill had been placed, I was only at 2 cm dilated and the same effacement. I was a little bummed especially since I had finally felt some contractions but also happy at the same time because I was having some progress and actually feeling the progress compared to the no progression for 5 weeks. The nurse gave me the third and last dose and my contractions were getting stronger after that and I was having to breathe through them a little. When the nurse came back to check me another 2-3 hours later, I was still at 2 cm dilated but was now having regular contractions so they just thought they would check me again in 2 hours to see if I had progressed at all before they thought of the next course to take.

My contractions were starting to get even stronger but completely bearable and I stayed pretty calm. When the nurse came in two hours later, I was at 4 cm dilated and 100% effaced. I was so happy for more progression. We decided to wait another hour to see if there was anymore progression. It was around that time that my contractions started to do what they call "coupling" which means I was having a contraction, then another one right after, and then I got a 1-2 minute break in between. That was probably the most draining because all I wanted and looked forward to was the 1-2 minute relief from the pain and pressure of the contractions. The nurse then came in an hour later and I was very hopeful that there had been progression as I was having so many contractions with very little break in between but I was still at 4 cm dilated. The nurse was very nice as I wanted to prolong starting myself on pitocin and so we decided to wait one more hour and then check to see if I had progressed and if not that I would have my water broken first, which causes the contractions to get more intense, before starting the pitocin. Funny thing about this one nurse was that she was a talker. After she checked me and my blood pressure she would stay in the room while I was having contractions and just talk about her life. If she didn't have other patients to help, I seriously think she would've stayed talking the whole time in the hospital room. haha

After an hour the nurse came in and I was still at 4 cm so they called my doctor to come and break my water. Luckily there was already a doctor on the floor so they had her come in and she broke my water. After the doctor broke my water she stated that the lining of the water and my cervix was deceiving and that instead of being 100% effaced, I was only 80% effaced. All I can say is that having your water broken feels like you full on peed yourself for a few minutes. Not just a everyday normal pee. Its like you have a large bucket full of water pouring out of you. By the amount of liquid that comes out, it makes you wonder how in the world there was room for that much liquid, a baby, and the placenta! With each contraction more water would gush out. After about 10 minutes, my contractions definitely got way more intense and I was really having to focus and breathe through them. What made it horrible was the coupling of contractions and the small break in between. The nurse came into check me an hour later and I was still at 4 cm. I asked if we could just wait a little longer before I started the pitocin, so the nurse said that she would come check me in two hours and if there was no progression then we would start on pitocin. The contractions were painful and it hurt less to be in the bed and just switch positions than it was to stand or sit on the exercise ball. I knew it wouldn't help with progression but at that moment you are just focusing on getting through the pain of each contraction. After two hours and really strong "coupling" contractions, I was checked and........I was still at 4 cm.

I was so deflated and exhausted by that point and realized that I would need to start on the pitocin. They started me on pitocin, I think 1.5 was the dose, which was the lowest dose they start at. If I hadn't have started on the pitocin I think I could've handled the contractions much longer. Once the pitocin kicked in on top of my 3 pill doses and having my water broken, my contractions were getting so painful that I couldn't even breathe through them. It did not help that I had only a 1 minute break now and then two contractions right after the other. It was at this time that I truly started to quietly cry and was no longer my relaxed self because I was in a lot of pain and mainly just discouraged wondering how much longer would I have to go through these really painful contractions before I was even dilated to a 10? As I started to cry, Jake held my hand and I began contemplating getting an epidural which wasn't what I wanted but I couldn't take the pain for who knows how much longer. Jake, the amazingly sweet man he is, started to cry himself because he hated seeing me in so much pain. (Man, he loves me so much!) I love that husband of mine.

Anyways, the nurse came in with my doctor, who was just checking in on me. Unfortunately, my wonderful doctor caught me in the middle of a quiet sobbing cry. haha He was so sweet about it and said, "You can do this. You are on the smallest dose of pitocin and after 5 cm everything will go pretty fast." Based on how my progression was going, I appreciated what he said, but didnt believe him at all. haha A few minutes after he left, I called the nurse in to say I wanted an epidural. Luckily for me, the anesthesiologist was in the same building and just getting done with a C-section so he came into my room within 10-15 minutes later. The whole process went so smoothly, he was so good. Luckily he placed the epidural before I started getting another contraction. You are supposed to stay completely still but when he placed the needle/tube in my spine, it hit a nerve so I jerked my back out of reaction but he kindly reassured me that it was totally fine and that it didn't do anything. It took a total of maybe 9 minutes for me to start feeling the epidural at work and OH MY GOODNESS, it was amazing! I was numb evenly on both legs and could only feel the pressure/tightening of each contraction. BEST DECISION I EVER MADE!

I was so grateful and happy to not feel the pain that I literally just cried out of happiness. I kept saying to Jake how glad I was that I decided to get the epidural. I was actually able to relax for once and enjoy what was actually happening. Jake was so relieved that I was no longer in pain as well. In all honesty, when I got the epidural, I didn't even feel anything. I maybe felt a little poke when he was numbing the area but even then I can't be sure. It was a blissful next few hours and it went fast. It took only 4 more hours till I was fully dilated. The nurse checked me an hour after the epidural and I was at 6 cm and 100% effaced. Another hour later I was at 8 cm and then the next hour I was still at 8 cm and then the next hour I was at 10 cm and ready to push.

After the nurse said it was time to push, she placed a catheter to drain my pee for the second and last time and asked me to do a practice push. The practice push went well because she started to get more things ready in the room. I pushed when I felt the pressure of a contraction and by looking on the contraction monitor when a contraction was peeking. During some of the pushes the baby was getting too stressed so the nurse put an oxygen mask on me 5 minutes before she called the doctor in. It only took 30 minutes or less of pushing before she called the doctor to come in to deliver the baby. I started feeling nauseous and stayed pretty calm trying my hardest not to throw up. The doctor came in with the nurse that was meant to examine my baby and I pushed 10 minutes more and out our baby Abigail came. I felt only pressure and absolutely no pain during this whole pushing process. During the pushing, Jake, who didnt want to see anything associated with the baby coming out, was now so intrigued and amazed when he saw her head and the doctor helping the baby out that he couldn't look away. Me, on the other hand, was offered a mirror to see her head and I flatly said, "Oh gosh, no thank you!" When Abigail came out, first thing I did was start to cry for like 30 seconds and then say, "she's so small." In which the doctor replied, "Umm, not really." haha Abigail Ruth Timothy was born at 6:22 p.m. at 41 week gestation on November 16, 2015. She was 8 lbs 10 oz and 21 inches long. The doctor cut the cord because Jake didnt want to and then Abigail was taken to the table to be examined and poked. Abigail did two quick cries when she first came out but was silent the rest of the time. I delivered my placenta and was given some stitches for small tearing.

It was the most surreal feeling in the world. I truly didnt believe that the little baby in the room was mine. I couldn't believe that I had just given birth to MY baby. After that my recovery was amazing! I felt no pain afterwards. The hardest thing for me after was getting used to walking as my sense of balance was all weird and I felt like wobbly jello. Honestly, that first week of figuring out breastfeeding has been harder than labor, delivery, and recovery combined.

 Your love just continues to grow each day after that. Abigail is absolutely perfect and I finally understand what all the mothers mean when they say, "You would literally do anything for them." I get it. I would die a thousand times if it meant letting Abigail live and her being happy. During pregnancy, I couldn't help but wonder why women would just keep having babies when pregnancy is so miserable (especially the third trimester). I get it now. I would do it all over again if it meant having that sweet baby as the outcome. ITS TOTALLY WORTH IT!!! There is seriously no greater thing than being a mother. I thought my happiness and love couldn't get any better with Jake but I was SOOO wrong. A family is completely the plan of happiness. I thought my love couldn't fit another person other than Jake and I was so wrong. Your love just gets bigger. I feel so blessed and happy to be sealed to my husband and that our little Abigail Ruth is sealed to us for eternity.

Its funny, when you're single you don't realize how much happiness comes when you get married. And now I can say when you are married without kids, you don't know how much more happiness comes with having a baby at the right time. God is good and just keeps making me happier.Im the luckiest girl alive to have the two most important people on this earth, my husband, and now my beautiful daughter.

Nearing The End

I have literally 17 days left till the baby comes or 2 weeks and 4 days. What the heck happened?! I know I know, my previous post was a little less than helpful to those considering getting pregnant as it was just a vent of the negative but man things can change faster than you realize. It wasn't until my 36 week appointment when I got checked to see if my cervix was dilated that it became real, like, "Ya Jill you are having this baby and soon!"

Somehow the checking of my cervix was what I needed to make me appreciate having the baby stay inside safe and sound. I was, as the doctor put it, "completely at a 0 and maybe barely 40% effaced." I didn't suspect I would have been progressed in that area anyways as this baby still hasn't dropped. Don't get me wrong, I would love for this baby to come but ever since that day, I lay in bed at night with my thoughts and freak myself out, thinking, "Oh my heck Jill, you are so close to having the baby. You have to take care of this baby. Money is already tight and you will have to pay for diapers and wipes. You have to go through labor and push a baby sized baby out your freaking vagina. You are sooooo not ready to have this baby come yet."

I did a complete turn around from, "GET THIS BABY OUT!!!" to "Oh please baby don't come yet, I don't think Im ready to be a mom for the rest of my life." Granted there is most of the day where I am saying, "I can't wait to meet you!"

Well on Monday, I went in for my 37 week appointment and expecting not to be dilated at all as I did nothing really different and the baby still hadn't dropped (the nurse and doctor agreed with me). I almost said no to getting my cervix checked when the nurse asked if I wanted to be checked. Thank goodness I said yes because when they checked me again, the doctor, with a surprised look on his face said, "Wow, you are actually dilated to a 1 and 80% effaced!" The nurse was just as shocked as I was. Although I know that doesn't mean anything as I could stay at 1 centimeter dilated for the rest of the pregnancy, it was another shocker that this baby is coming.....SOON. I still can't believe it. I am almost down to 2 weeks and I wonder everyday if this will be the day the baby decides to come.

The fact that I will never be alone again has hit me so much harder knowing that I just have a measly 2 weeks and 4 days left. I have 2 weeks and 4 days of just Jake and I. I have 2 weeks and 4 days till I am a mother. What a blessing to have made it this far into the pregnancy. The lord is good to me.

Even with all the negative, I am starting to realize that none of that matters as long as I get to have my little girl as the outcome. I never could've anticipated how hard pregnancy would be and I am so mad at myself for not letting myself enjoy it more and enjoy this bond I get to share with this human that I am creating. I am literally creating life and I was so silly to think that it would come easy. I hope I continue to work on finding joy in a trial because there is more joy than negative as was a lesson taught by someone I haven't even met yet.

I want to leave with this question. What thoughts are keeping you from being happy? We can work on it together!

IM DONE BEING PREGNANT!

Oh pregnancy. The end is close but yet so far! I will be 34 weeks on Monday. I have 45 days left or a month and a half. I think the reason why Im writing (or really venting) it all out is because when Im writing out my complaints I usually end up feeling guilty and end with a feeling of gratitude.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful for the ability to get pregnant and to have a healthy baby. With my words I am not trying to make those who are suffering with loss or infertility to be upset or what not, this is just my feelings and my experience and you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Ok with that said, pregnancy is hard. I have never felt more out of control of my body than I have while being pregnant. Its like the lord teaches you an early lesson that you no longer come first, your baby does. I know I still have 6 weeks till Im at 40 weeks but IM SO DONE! I think those that have been pregnant can agree that when you are in your 3rd trimester that it all just goes down hill. 1st trimester...I mean its alright other than the weeks of nauseousness and throwing up. 2nd trimester...easiest of all. 3rd trimester...never ending uncomfortableness and impatience. Now this is not how it is for everyone, this is just me. Now let me tell you about why Im just done being pregnant through my experiences with this pregnancy.

I had morning sickness from 9 weeks to 14 weeks. I do not know why they call it morning sickness when it is literally 'all the time' sickness. I could only eat certain foods or else, out it came. I still have a hard time just thinking about eggs and lemon chiffon pie. Sometimes all you eat in that day are crackers, noodles and company, and a slice of lemon chiffon pie. You then go on to throw up the pie and can never stomach anything lemon again. Granted, I didn't have it as bad as most women, so I definitely count my blessing there. The worst part about this time is that I was working, going to school, and caught the flu. With the flu I couldn't breathe to the point of where I would wake up gasping for air and panic. I couldn't go to sleep because I couldn't breathe and would cough and cough and felt miserable so I ended up only falling asleep for 2-3 hours and just stay up either watching a movie downstairs so Jake could sleep, laying on the bathroom floor while breathing in steam from the shower, or taking a bath that turned cold so fast because you can't take hot baths while you're pregnant. This sickness and not sleeping lasted for a week people, I have never been so exhausted in my life. Once I started to get a little past the sickness after a week, I ended up getting the most horrible earache and all the sounds were muted and I couldn't really hear. Had an ear infection that I had to take antibiotics for and after another week I was completely back to just throwing up. haha

After that time it wasn't bad. At 16 weeks, a mysterious rash/hives started showing up on my body. I thought it might be an allergic reaction to a medication I had taken 3 days prior. Went to the Gynocologist who gave me a steroid cream to put on 3 times a day. No progress, so I ended up going to a dermatologist. They had no idea what it was but that it could possibly be 2 things. I spent 5 months after the time it showed up putting on multiple creams, oils, 2-3 times a day, and changed everything about my skin care, soaps, and laundry detergent to a more expensive kind.  It was odd to me that all of a sudden this rash would show up because on both sides of my family no one has ever had any skin problems, none. Still it was not resolved and finally got a biopsy where they numb the area of a spot and cut a chunk out of the skin to figure out what it is. I finally got my results a week ago. Turns out because of pregnancy and my low immune system I have a chronic skin condition that I have to treat the rest of my life. Weird enough is that its mostly genetic and no family member has ever had this. Lucky me. I may not have gotten stretch marks all over my belly but honestly, I would much rather choose that than a chronic skin condition that will never go away. I have to remember that each person has their different trials during pregnancy.

Needless to say I have definitely learned that pregnancy destroys your body, at least, my body. Here I am at 33 weeks, my pelvis feels as though you have ridden a very uncomfortable bike for the first time in years across the country or like someone has punched you in the crotch 15 times. This is constant, especially when you have to switch sides in bed 10 times and use all your energy to push your giant belly to the other side and move your body pillow along with you. In the end you are out of breathe and then after this exertion you realize you have to pee for the fifth time that night, so you roll back around and lift your self out of bed to go to the bathroom only to have just a tiny trickle of pee come out even though you feel like you have the fullest bladder. TMI doesn't exist in pregnancy so sorry to those who didn't want to hear. You know when you really have to pee and then you finally make it to the toilet and its just a rush of relief and joy?....ya, that never happens during pregnancy. Since we are on the subject of pee, the best part of your day is when you can't control your bladder cause your baby is laying on it and you feel a sneeze coming on...those of you who have been pregnant know this dread and soon start trying to do kegels to make sure it doesn't happen... as often. haha

33 weeks and my hips hurt when I stay on one side too long in bed and sleep is now a mere memory of the past. The baby kicks you so hard in the most vulnerable part of your rib cage and you think that if she kicks in the same place any harder, your rib will in fact break. Sitting down in a chair for too long is the worst because you can't breathe because all your organs have pushed up against your lungs and huge, ever growing boobs weighing down on your chest don't help either, along with the bra that you put on only to go out in public places because when you sit down its even more pressure on your belly and ribs.

You soon find that your closet has only a few options of what to wear and you are grateful that you bought those 3 maternity shirts and 1 pair of maternity jeans. You are also grateful for your husbands shorts and the long, big, flowy shirts you bought when you had no belly . But you also find it sad when the T-shirts you collected from high school on up no longer cover your belly. Even the waist band on the exercise leggings you bought before you were pregnant are too tight for comfort around the bottom of your uterus. There is also multiple times that I have whacked my belly by closing the refrigerator door because I don't know my own belly hugeness. Taking tums like candy for your horrible acid reflux. Or just waking up in the night drinking some water and oh, yep, acid reflux pops up so you have to get out of bed for another tums.

Sometimes I find myself looking at those due around the same time as me and I think, "Wow, Im huge!" and then I look at those who are almost ready to be due and I think, "I HAVE SO MUCH LONGER!" I already feel like a whale and yet I still have 6 and a half weeks left. IM DONE BEING PREGNANT! I think all this pregnancy awfulness is forgotten when the baby comes because somehow women continue to get pregnant. I have yet to understand this as my baby is still not here but I hope I forget all the uncomfortableness of pregnancy cause pregnancy isn't fun and isn't magical all the time.

Despite all the negative of pregnancy, feeling your baby move, kick, and hearing the heartbeat is really wonderful. There truly is nothing more spiritual and unreal than creating life and that the love you and your husband have and created together now has created this little person that is now both of you combined into one wonderful little human being. We all have our trials and everyone has different things they go through, especially during pregnancy. You are not them, you are you, and that is a wonderful thing. I can't wait to see our little girl and I am TRULY grateful for everything if that means I get a healthy baby girl as the outcome. Its amazing how much love I already have for her and I would do it all again if that meant for her to get a physical body in this world. I only have 6 1/2 more weeks. I can do this!

Panic Attacks and Anxiety

Well, I haven't been writing in my blog for a long time but I know I am missing some major details as of late....but... I REACHED MY GOAL WEIGHT OF 155 lbs. but lost two more pounds and have maintained my 153 lbs for about 3 months now, which is huge for me. I feel great and am definitely happier. I still need to work on eating healthier choices of meals and going on walks more but I will get there if I keep trying at it.

Ok, so the title of my post is pretty self explanatory. I just wanted to vent a little and hopefully help others feel that they are not alone or, if they are experiencing some similar symptoms that they can know what it might be. Or to help others understand what someone with anxiety goes through.

I just never wanted to have anxiety in my life. I have seen it in just a few family members and I thought, hopefully I would be exempt. It wasn't until I started my second Dental Assisting job in November or December of last year that I started having BAD anxiety and panic attacks. I probably always had a little anxiety before then but never enough to disable me from doing things I wanted to do and things that needed to get done.

First of all, it is possibly the worst thing to experience on a daily occurrence. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. For me, my anxiety happens in the following steps.

Step 1: Sweaty hands
Step 2: Heart starts beating really fast
Step 3:  Start Pacing
Step 4:  Breathing quickens
Step 5:  Start crying cause I feel I cant do what ever Im having the anxiety over
Step 6:  Cant breath cause Im crying and breathing really fast
Step 7:  My face and hands get numb because of lack of oxygen which makes the anxiety/panic attack worse.
Step 8:  30 minutes later I have calmed down to where Im only at step 1 and 2.

Try having that everyday before you went to work. NIGHTMARE!

If you want to help a person who is having one of these attacks. Do some of the things below.

1. Get them a really cold glass of water. (That is a sure fire way to help them calm down)
2. Tell them to look you in the eye and tell them to B-R-E-A-T-H-E slowly.
3. Let them know that this does not make them weaker than anyone else.
4. If the anxiety attacks happen more often, tell them they should just go TALK to a doctor about it.
5. Tell them it will be ok and just listen or let them cry.

These are only a few ways to help and I cant think of more right now because I am still trying to figure this whole thing out myself. I have been having bad anxiety with one major thing as of late and that is answering customer service calls. I now have noticed that I have always had anxiety over talking on the phone and would much rather talk in person and that mixed with anxiety over having people hate me or yell at me has made doing the task at work simply awful.

I want more than anything than to answer customer service phone calls. I would take them all the time if I didnt get anxiety. But, I just cant. I have had additional anxiety because I have been scared I would get fired because I didnt answer a certain number of calls withing just an hour and a half on phones, still worry about it constantly. I keep trying to tell myself that I can do it without medication and I just want to beat this on my own, but I have realized, I just cant. I have to take medication, luckily not a lot, but I have tried to avoid that aspect of getting past anxiety.

My heart goes out to anyone of you that is suffering with this or will start to suffer with this. Its an awful feeling to have daily and remember you are not the only one around that deals with it. Take medication if you need it and just do what you can handle if the circumstance permits. Push yourself a little each day and get excited for the littlest of accomplishments when having anxiety and soon it will get better. Anxiety does not make you weak and it doesnt make you abnormal. You are still you and anxiety doesnt define who you are or who you will become. YOU ARE NOT ANXIETY!

What I Was Thinking Was Wrong

Its been months since I last posted, but for those of you that know me, know that Im the worst at writing letters and actually following through with things I start. Im trying to work on that though. Im trying to work on a lot of my short comings.

If you didn't already know, I started a health program called Take Shape For Life in which I have lost 23 pounds so far and have about 12 more to get to my high school weight. In the book this program gives you, it asks you about what you really want, what you TRULY want with your health.

The book talks about the difference between conflict driven motivation and a positive-driven motivation. It states that a conflict-driven motivation is one of the major reasons people yo-yo. Let me explain what conflict-driven motivation means a little.

Conflict-Driven motivation is thinking in terms of trying to fix your bad health (a problem orientation). For example: You're motivated to take action to get rid of a problem.

What you should be thinking is the positive-driven motivation (outcome orientation). We need to shift our focus to creating health not wanting to create health to fix a problem we have.

For example: "I want to lose weight to fix the horrible feelings about myself." When really I should be thinking, "I want and am going to become healthier and by so doing will lose weight and will learn how to keep it off because I TRULY want to be healthy and stay that way." Sound different?

I have been pondering this question a lot in my mind. What do I truly want? I have been scared because at first it was because I wanted to just lose the weight to feel better about myself and I feared as soon as the program was over and I hit my goal weight, I would go right back to yo-yo'ing.

What do I truly want out of my health?

It wasn't until a few days ago that I really was able to sit myself down and say, "I TRULY want to be healthy! I want to be able to grow old and be in shape to enjoy life, have more energy, go on hikes and runs. I want to be able to do things with my kids in the future and not be out of breath. Most importantly I want to stay healthy for ME. I'm not going to go back and forth with my weight and feel yucky and uncomfortable wherever I go. I'M DONE HIDING MY BODY.

I now understand that I am going to have do things I don't like to do in order to stay healthy. If any one knows me, knows that I am lazy. Unfortunately as well, I would do anything to get out of something I didn't want to do. Lie, plan other things, or simply don't do them. That is my fault and I am paying the price of those continual actions in the past. This will be a hard thing for me to not be so selfish and actually do things I don't want to do. But I will do them because it will help with what I TRULY want which is to become a Happier Healthier Me. I am grateful for the many small testimonies I was given of knowing how great it feels to accomplish something I didn't want to do to help me with this aspect. An example for all of us, is doing service or service projects, we don't like wasting a Saturday doing service or any of our precious time for that matter, but we all know how great we feel after. It's the same with working out and other things health related. We may not like it but the rewards are so beneficial for who we are and who we are to become. We need to remember to keep in mind, will this decision help or hurt my ultimate goal, will it help or hurt what I TRULY want?

I realize that my thoughts and feelings prior to starting this program were all wrong. I wanted to solve the problem of my weight because of the way I felt. I was jealous of everyone who could eat and eat, not exercise and not gain any weight. I was so bitter and envious that my thought was, "If I lose the weight I am golden because I fixed the problem and I can eat what I want some of the time because it's not fair that some girls can eat what they want and not get fat and not me." Obviously that's false and envy can create stupid/childish/selfish thoughts in your mind.

I found the quote below and Im sure everyone knows it but it touched me in a certain way when reading it again. (That is why the scriptures are so amazing, you read a verse on day and the next it could mean something different and you can still feel the love of Christ.)

Lately I have realized how much my insecurities have turned me to criticizing others to make me feel better about myself. Does it make you feel better? No. Not even a pinch. In fact it makes you fall deeper into more insecurities. 

As I was driving with my husband down the street, we passed a woman walking down main street. My mind turned to a cruel thought of judgment. Every girl has done it, every person has done it. But I testify and tell you the spirit spoke to me to teach me a lesson and I actually heard these words so clear in my mind:

"He who is without fault, let him cast the first stone."

After that special learning moment from christ, when a thought of cruel words pop into my mind, that special scripture becomes clear and I quickly withdraw my thoughts and turn them to thoughts of compassion. Who am I to judge another of their faults, when I have faults of my own.

This Gospel is true. "I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it..." Everything I am, I have, and hope to be, I owe to the most loving father in heaven.

Photogenic Delays

I just saw a picture of myself that was taken today.  My first reaction, "UGH!" which followed with a silent "Oh gosh" and then ended with, "HOLY COW IM OVERWEIGHT."

Guys I think being photogenic skipped a generation. I must always choose the most unflattering angles. haha That picture was a sight and made me have sore eyes. How did I let myself get this far in being overweight?

I ended up looking at my old Facebook photos and I showed Jake a photo of my first year of college and he didn't think it was me because I was so thin there. He said that I looked great but that I am still me. But it still hurt that I wasn't that healthy thin girl anymore.

I cried for a good 30 min.  I've never had to go through this where I couldn't just eat whatever I wanted and still think I could stay thin. So for me this is so hard....so so hard.

It's been a bad day.

But I guess the positive is it will make me workout out today.