IM DONE BEING PREGNANT!

Oh pregnancy. The end is close but yet so far! I will be 34 weeks on Monday. I have 45 days left or a month and a half. I think the reason why Im writing (or really venting) it all out is because when Im writing out my complaints I usually end up feeling guilty and end with a feeling of gratitude.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful for the ability to get pregnant and to have a healthy baby. With my words I am not trying to make those who are suffering with loss or infertility to be upset or what not, this is just my feelings and my experience and you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Ok with that said, pregnancy is hard. I have never felt more out of control of my body than I have while being pregnant. Its like the lord teaches you an early lesson that you no longer come first, your baby does. I know I still have 6 weeks till Im at 40 weeks but IM SO DONE! I think those that have been pregnant can agree that when you are in your 3rd trimester that it all just goes down hill. 1st trimester...I mean its alright other than the weeks of nauseousness and throwing up. 2nd trimester...easiest of all. 3rd trimester...never ending uncomfortableness and impatience. Now this is not how it is for everyone, this is just me. Now let me tell you about why Im just done being pregnant through my experiences with this pregnancy.

I had morning sickness from 9 weeks to 14 weeks. I do not know why they call it morning sickness when it is literally 'all the time' sickness. I could only eat certain foods or else, out it came. I still have a hard time just thinking about eggs and lemon chiffon pie. Sometimes all you eat in that day are crackers, noodles and company, and a slice of lemon chiffon pie. You then go on to throw up the pie and can never stomach anything lemon again. Granted, I didn't have it as bad as most women, so I definitely count my blessing there. The worst part about this time is that I was working, going to school, and caught the flu. With the flu I couldn't breathe to the point of where I would wake up gasping for air and panic. I couldn't go to sleep because I couldn't breathe and would cough and cough and felt miserable so I ended up only falling asleep for 2-3 hours and just stay up either watching a movie downstairs so Jake could sleep, laying on the bathroom floor while breathing in steam from the shower, or taking a bath that turned cold so fast because you can't take hot baths while you're pregnant. This sickness and not sleeping lasted for a week people, I have never been so exhausted in my life. Once I started to get a little past the sickness after a week, I ended up getting the most horrible earache and all the sounds were muted and I couldn't really hear. Had an ear infection that I had to take antibiotics for and after another week I was completely back to just throwing up. haha

After that time it wasn't bad. At 16 weeks, a mysterious rash/hives started showing up on my body. I thought it might be an allergic reaction to a medication I had taken 3 days prior. Went to the Gynocologist who gave me a steroid cream to put on 3 times a day. No progress, so I ended up going to a dermatologist. They had no idea what it was but that it could possibly be 2 things. I spent 5 months after the time it showed up putting on multiple creams, oils, 2-3 times a day, and changed everything about my skin care, soaps, and laundry detergent to a more expensive kind.  It was odd to me that all of a sudden this rash would show up because on both sides of my family no one has ever had any skin problems, none. Still it was not resolved and finally got a biopsy where they numb the area of a spot and cut a chunk out of the skin to figure out what it is. I finally got my results a week ago. Turns out because of pregnancy and my low immune system I have a chronic skin condition that I have to treat the rest of my life. Weird enough is that its mostly genetic and no family member has ever had this. Lucky me. I may not have gotten stretch marks all over my belly but honestly, I would much rather choose that than a chronic skin condition that will never go away. I have to remember that each person has their different trials during pregnancy.

Needless to say I have definitely learned that pregnancy destroys your body, at least, my body. Here I am at 33 weeks, my pelvis feels as though you have ridden a very uncomfortable bike for the first time in years across the country or like someone has punched you in the crotch 15 times. This is constant, especially when you have to switch sides in bed 10 times and use all your energy to push your giant belly to the other side and move your body pillow along with you. In the end you are out of breathe and then after this exertion you realize you have to pee for the fifth time that night, so you roll back around and lift your self out of bed to go to the bathroom only to have just a tiny trickle of pee come out even though you feel like you have the fullest bladder. TMI doesn't exist in pregnancy so sorry to those who didn't want to hear. You know when you really have to pee and then you finally make it to the toilet and its just a rush of relief and joy?....ya, that never happens during pregnancy. Since we are on the subject of pee, the best part of your day is when you can't control your bladder cause your baby is laying on it and you feel a sneeze coming on...those of you who have been pregnant know this dread and soon start trying to do kegels to make sure it doesn't happen... as often. haha

33 weeks and my hips hurt when I stay on one side too long in bed and sleep is now a mere memory of the past. The baby kicks you so hard in the most vulnerable part of your rib cage and you think that if she kicks in the same place any harder, your rib will in fact break. Sitting down in a chair for too long is the worst because you can't breathe because all your organs have pushed up against your lungs and huge, ever growing boobs weighing down on your chest don't help either, along with the bra that you put on only to go out in public places because when you sit down its even more pressure on your belly and ribs.

You soon find that your closet has only a few options of what to wear and you are grateful that you bought those 3 maternity shirts and 1 pair of maternity jeans. You are also grateful for your husbands shorts and the long, big, flowy shirts you bought when you had no belly . But you also find it sad when the T-shirts you collected from high school on up no longer cover your belly. Even the waist band on the exercise leggings you bought before you were pregnant are too tight for comfort around the bottom of your uterus. There is also multiple times that I have whacked my belly by closing the refrigerator door because I don't know my own belly hugeness. Taking tums like candy for your horrible acid reflux. Or just waking up in the night drinking some water and oh, yep, acid reflux pops up so you have to get out of bed for another tums.

Sometimes I find myself looking at those due around the same time as me and I think, "Wow, Im huge!" and then I look at those who are almost ready to be due and I think, "I HAVE SO MUCH LONGER!" I already feel like a whale and yet I still have 6 and a half weeks left. IM DONE BEING PREGNANT! I think all this pregnancy awfulness is forgotten when the baby comes because somehow women continue to get pregnant. I have yet to understand this as my baby is still not here but I hope I forget all the uncomfortableness of pregnancy cause pregnancy isn't fun and isn't magical all the time.

Despite all the negative of pregnancy, feeling your baby move, kick, and hearing the heartbeat is really wonderful. There truly is nothing more spiritual and unreal than creating life and that the love you and your husband have and created together now has created this little person that is now both of you combined into one wonderful little human being. We all have our trials and everyone has different things they go through, especially during pregnancy. You are not them, you are you, and that is a wonderful thing. I can't wait to see our little girl and I am TRULY grateful for everything if that means I get a healthy baby girl as the outcome. Its amazing how much love I already have for her and I would do it all again if that meant for her to get a physical body in this world. I only have 6 1/2 more weeks. I can do this!

Panic Attacks and Anxiety

Well, I haven't been writing in my blog for a long time but I know I am missing some major details as of late....but... I REACHED MY GOAL WEIGHT OF 155 lbs. but lost two more pounds and have maintained my 153 lbs for about 3 months now, which is huge for me. I feel great and am definitely happier. I still need to work on eating healthier choices of meals and going on walks more but I will get there if I keep trying at it.

Ok, so the title of my post is pretty self explanatory. I just wanted to vent a little and hopefully help others feel that they are not alone or, if they are experiencing some similar symptoms that they can know what it might be. Or to help others understand what someone with anxiety goes through.

I just never wanted to have anxiety in my life. I have seen it in just a few family members and I thought, hopefully I would be exempt. It wasn't until I started my second Dental Assisting job in November or December of last year that I started having BAD anxiety and panic attacks. I probably always had a little anxiety before then but never enough to disable me from doing things I wanted to do and things that needed to get done.

First of all, it is possibly the worst thing to experience on a daily occurrence. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. For me, my anxiety happens in the following steps.

Step 1: Sweaty hands
Step 2: Heart starts beating really fast
Step 3:  Start Pacing
Step 4:  Breathing quickens
Step 5:  Start crying cause I feel I cant do what ever Im having the anxiety over
Step 6:  Cant breath cause Im crying and breathing really fast
Step 7:  My face and hands get numb because of lack of oxygen which makes the anxiety/panic attack worse.
Step 8:  30 minutes later I have calmed down to where Im only at step 1 and 2.

Try having that everyday before you went to work. NIGHTMARE!

If you want to help a person who is having one of these attacks. Do some of the things below.

1. Get them a really cold glass of water. (That is a sure fire way to help them calm down)
2. Tell them to look you in the eye and tell them to B-R-E-A-T-H-E slowly.
3. Let them know that this does not make them weaker than anyone else.
4. If the anxiety attacks happen more often, tell them they should just go TALK to a doctor about it.
5. Tell them it will be ok and just listen or let them cry.

These are only a few ways to help and I cant think of more right now because I am still trying to figure this whole thing out myself. I have been having bad anxiety with one major thing as of late and that is answering customer service calls. I now have noticed that I have always had anxiety over talking on the phone and would much rather talk in person and that mixed with anxiety over having people hate me or yell at me has made doing the task at work simply awful.

I want more than anything than to answer customer service phone calls. I would take them all the time if I didnt get anxiety. But, I just cant. I have had additional anxiety because I have been scared I would get fired because I didnt answer a certain number of calls withing just an hour and a half on phones, still worry about it constantly. I keep trying to tell myself that I can do it without medication and I just want to beat this on my own, but I have realized, I just cant. I have to take medication, luckily not a lot, but I have tried to avoid that aspect of getting past anxiety.

My heart goes out to anyone of you that is suffering with this or will start to suffer with this. Its an awful feeling to have daily and remember you are not the only one around that deals with it. Take medication if you need it and just do what you can handle if the circumstance permits. Push yourself a little each day and get excited for the littlest of accomplishments when having anxiety and soon it will get better. Anxiety does not make you weak and it doesnt make you abnormal. You are still you and anxiety doesnt define who you are or who you will become. YOU ARE NOT ANXIETY!

What I Was Thinking Was Wrong

Its been months since I last posted, but for those of you that know me, know that Im the worst at writing letters and actually following through with things I start. Im trying to work on that though. Im trying to work on a lot of my short comings.

If you didn't already know, I started a health program called Take Shape For Life in which I have lost 23 pounds so far and have about 12 more to get to my high school weight. In the book this program gives you, it asks you about what you really want, what you TRULY want with your health.

The book talks about the difference between conflict driven motivation and a positive-driven motivation. It states that a conflict-driven motivation is one of the major reasons people yo-yo. Let me explain what conflict-driven motivation means a little.

Conflict-Driven motivation is thinking in terms of trying to fix your bad health (a problem orientation). For example: You're motivated to take action to get rid of a problem.

What you should be thinking is the positive-driven motivation (outcome orientation). We need to shift our focus to creating health not wanting to create health to fix a problem we have.

For example: "I want to lose weight to fix the horrible feelings about myself." When really I should be thinking, "I want and am going to become healthier and by so doing will lose weight and will learn how to keep it off because I TRULY want to be healthy and stay that way." Sound different?

I have been pondering this question a lot in my mind. What do I truly want? I have been scared because at first it was because I wanted to just lose the weight to feel better about myself and I feared as soon as the program was over and I hit my goal weight, I would go right back to yo-yo'ing.

What do I truly want out of my health?

It wasn't until a few days ago that I really was able to sit myself down and say, "I TRULY want to be healthy! I want to be able to grow old and be in shape to enjoy life, have more energy, go on hikes and runs. I want to be able to do things with my kids in the future and not be out of breath. Most importantly I want to stay healthy for ME. I'm not going to go back and forth with my weight and feel yucky and uncomfortable wherever I go. I'M DONE HIDING MY BODY.

I now understand that I am going to have do things I don't like to do in order to stay healthy. If any one knows me, knows that I am lazy. Unfortunately as well, I would do anything to get out of something I didn't want to do. Lie, plan other things, or simply don't do them. That is my fault and I am paying the price of those continual actions in the past. This will be a hard thing for me to not be so selfish and actually do things I don't want to do. But I will do them because it will help with what I TRULY want which is to become a Happier Healthier Me. I am grateful for the many small testimonies I was given of knowing how great it feels to accomplish something I didn't want to do to help me with this aspect. An example for all of us, is doing service or service projects, we don't like wasting a Saturday doing service or any of our precious time for that matter, but we all know how great we feel after. It's the same with working out and other things health related. We may not like it but the rewards are so beneficial for who we are and who we are to become. We need to remember to keep in mind, will this decision help or hurt my ultimate goal, will it help or hurt what I TRULY want?

I realize that my thoughts and feelings prior to starting this program were all wrong. I wanted to solve the problem of my weight because of the way I felt. I was jealous of everyone who could eat and eat, not exercise and not gain any weight. I was so bitter and envious that my thought was, "If I lose the weight I am golden because I fixed the problem and I can eat what I want some of the time because it's not fair that some girls can eat what they want and not get fat and not me." Obviously that's false and envy can create stupid/childish/selfish thoughts in your mind.

I found the quote below and Im sure everyone knows it but it touched me in a certain way when reading it again. (That is why the scriptures are so amazing, you read a verse on day and the next it could mean something different and you can still feel the love of Christ.)

Lately I have realized how much my insecurities have turned me to criticizing others to make me feel better about myself. Does it make you feel better? No. Not even a pinch. In fact it makes you fall deeper into more insecurities. 

As I was driving with my husband down the street, we passed a woman walking down main street. My mind turned to a cruel thought of judgment. Every girl has done it, every person has done it. But I testify and tell you the spirit spoke to me to teach me a lesson and I actually heard these words so clear in my mind:

"He who is without fault, let him cast the first stone."

After that special learning moment from christ, when a thought of cruel words pop into my mind, that special scripture becomes clear and I quickly withdraw my thoughts and turn them to thoughts of compassion. Who am I to judge another of their faults, when I have faults of my own.

This Gospel is true. "I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it..." Everything I am, I have, and hope to be, I owe to the most loving father in heaven.

Photogenic Delays

I just saw a picture of myself that was taken today.  My first reaction, "UGH!" which followed with a silent "Oh gosh" and then ended with, "HOLY COW IM OVERWEIGHT."

Guys I think being photogenic skipped a generation. I must always choose the most unflattering angles. haha That picture was a sight and made me have sore eyes. How did I let myself get this far in being overweight?

I ended up looking at my old Facebook photos and I showed Jake a photo of my first year of college and he didn't think it was me because I was so thin there. He said that I looked great but that I am still me. But it still hurt that I wasn't that healthy thin girl anymore.

I cried for a good 30 min.  I've never had to go through this where I couldn't just eat whatever I wanted and still think I could stay thin. So for me this is so hard....so so hard.

It's been a bad day.

But I guess the positive is it will make me workout out today.

Im Not Perfect

Today is a bad day.  Satan is definitely doing his best to get me down. I can't stress how important going to church is to help with those negative thoughts. Unfortunately for me I wasn't able to go to church today and every time I miss sacrament I feel so yucky. Thats the best word to describe it. Yucky.  Going on Facebook when you are depressed is a bad idea because I ended up finding my way to a blog of the cutest girl ever who is expecting and she is g-o-r-g-e-o-u-s. The girl that has the cute clothes, looks good, and takes pictures from a freaking nice camera and blogs about her day.  Here I am with no money for cute clothes even if they are on sale, I don't know how to make a cute blog let alone blog everyday, and I want to have a baby but I need to lose the weight Ive gained. If only I was always skinny and even if I was pregnant the only thing you would see was my baby belly and I didn't gain any weight anywhere else. You know the type. P-E-R-F-E-C-T. See I told you guys, not a good day for me.

I looked up the definition of PERFECT in Topical Guide in the Bible and this is the definition:

Complete, whole, and fully developed; totally righteous. Perfect can also mean without sin or evil. Only Christ was totally perfect. True followers of Christ may become perfect through his grace and atonement. 

Whole....Complete.... how amazing are those words?

Don't you want to feel whole? Complete? I noticed in my life, I don't feel spiritually whole. I need to make more effort towards christ. I only say prayers when it suits me and when I need help. How selfish am I? I WANT TO FEEL WHOLE...COMPLETE! No one is perfect, so why not try and admire the only person who is, which is christ.

I am working out more each day and Im trying to eat healthier and less. Life is beautiful. I have a wonderful husband and the wonderful chance in my life where heavenly father is letting me have time before a baby to create healthy habits and get back to a happier healthier me. Thank you. I am so truly blessed.

Write out your feelings and then find the positive because if you noticed I started this blog negative, in tears, and feeling poor and I seriously feel loved and truly truly blessed.
THANK YOU LORD FOR CREATING ME AND LOOKING AFTER ME ALWAYS!

Dearest Hollys Mom, Joanna,
You inspire me, I wish I could be there with you Holly and help with all this. I feel so worthless here in logan. I just wanted to let you know that this cancer and with chemo and the yuckiness you are feeling can be transformed. You can feel complete and whole through him who is perfect. I love you, you are an amazing mother and an even more amazing person.

If any of you want to be inspired, follow her and her daughter, my best friend, Holly.

Click Here for Hollys Blog
Click Here for Joanna's Blog

Still Weigh 187 but hey at least Im not gaining any weight haha
I worked out 3 times this past week, but have tried to eat healthier. I will get there. I will get there. I can do this!

Week 3 - Remaining In The Rut...Or Not? (Winky Face)

Well I haven't written in a while because I was in a rut. Which is normal, we all have it. One thing happens in your life and it goes down hill from there and you're back where you started. Jake and I had some struggles but we came out victorious and stronger because of the adversity! Unfortunately, that meant I didn't want to do anything to do with working out because I was too depressed. I went to the temple which I need to remember was the best thing I could've done over working out. Then I got to used to coming home and having all this time on my hands to relax and go to bed early. I didn't even go to the temple for a week and a half or so. The whole time I was down on myself for not working out. I even went out and ate maybe 3 times since I last wrote. I even feel disappointed admitting it but hey ITS OK! I am starting again come monday with my whole schedule.

(If out of this whole post you want to read just a little, PLEASE READ THIS PART!)

Oh you ate out and didn't work out for a month? You just relaxed at home and got stuck in a rut?
ITS OK! Begin again even if you get stuck in a rut, always come back to it.

I read in the book The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox that if you falter in working out keep coming back it doesn't matter how many times. Change the context to where it refers to working out, it says, "Perhaps as we reflect on our lives, it is easy to convince ourselves we have sinned too often and gone too far to deserve the Atonement. We criticize ourselves harshly and beat ourselves up mercilessly. Perhaps we feel we have stepped beyond the reach of the Atonement by knowingly repeating a previously forsaken sin. We understand that God and Jesus were willing to forgive the first time, but we wonder how many more times there will be willing to watch us bumble along before they finally roll their eyes and say, "Enough Already!" We struggle so much to forgive ourselves that we wrongly assume God must be having the same struggle.... God will forgive you seven times seventy and infinitely more... Christ Himself answers, "As often as my people repent will I forgive them their trespasses against me" (Mosiah 26:30) God is long-suffering, change is a process, and repentance is a pattern in our lives."

Did you realize while struggling with working out you were using the Atonement?! I sure didn't. No matter how many days, weeks, month, years we have gone without working out or becoming a happier healthier us, KEEP STARTING AGAIN! Even if its seven times seventy times, just start again. Don't focus on how you have to keep starting over or that you keep getting in that rut because it WILL happen.

My name is Jill, I ate out 3 or 4 times in the past 2 weeks, I didn't work out once in those 2 weeks, I didn't go to the temple for about a week and a half, and Im ok with it because I will start again even if I get in a rut the next day. I will never give up and I will not get down on myself.

Amazing moment I just had and I want to share it real quick. I was looking through The Continuous Atonement book so I could copy the quote on this blog post and a letter fell out from my sister-in-law, Jessi. For those of you who don't know Jake and I made a mistake and had to wait a year to get sealed in the temple, I was struggling with myself for those few weeks after we made the mistake and Jessi gave me this book to read and wrote me this letter,

March 29, 2012

Jill,
I think you are great. What you and Jake are about to go through makes my heart ache. But between both of you I know you guys will conquer any obstacle and hard moments. I will never look down on you or think of you less. Im so glad my brother got a girl who can face hard things and not run away. Both of you will always be in my thoughts and prayers. Life is too short to sit and ponder on the past. Move forward with faith and enjoy the happy moments. Those happy moments will help you get through some tough terrain. I love you.
-Jess

Readers, whoever you are, you are loved by someone, they know you can do anything, you can do hard things. Don't focus on the negative. Start again and again and again. Don't think of you getting in a rut over and over again as a bad thing. Its better than giving up. Remember the Atonement and how you can always come back to Christ and its better to always come back then just give up.

DAY 2: The Blessing of The Temple

Ok I have to make this one short because I have so much to do already before I go to bed. Day 2 started  out with negative thoughts, blah blah blah you're to tired to workout blah blah blah you look so fat. But they soon went away once I went to the gym to work out. Its amazing how just simply exercising makes you happier about yourself. I faced a few things today, saying NO! I have such a weekness went it comes to food, its tastes good so I eat it and eat more and more of it. We have so much strength inside us to resist. All it takes is a forceful yelling, "NO!" in our minds and its amazing how empowered you feel. Your happiness is increased by a simple two letter word.

I went to the temple today to do endowments which are 3 hours or a little less I think. People, People hark ye to these words I speak. THE TEMPLE WILL HELP YOU!!!!!!!! If you are struggling with eating, weight, anxiety, loneliness the temple can cure you! I started going to the temple because I was in such a dark place about my body and all the negativity that consumed me. My amazing mother, who's knowledge is beyond her years, told me, "Just go to the temple and it will help you want to work out more and you will become the person that you miss, 'the happier healthier you'." I was so done with crying over my weight almost every night that I decided I would do anything to be happy again. My mom told me that don't stress about working out, the only things you need to focus on is, going to the temple at least twice a week, reading your scriptures, and saying your personal prayer. I was glad I didn't have to combine everything on my list to where it was overwhelming. I put aside the rest of my list and just focused on that. Next thing I know Im wanting to workout and Im night and day happier. EVERYTHING FALLS INTO PLACE IF YOU PUT THE LORD FIRST!

Special moment at the temple, I was leaving and saw one of the patients that goes to our dental office who is an older cute grandpa. I got to talking with him after saying hi, he recently lost his wife 3 months ago and shared some special moments about her that he explained he didn't really share with many people. How truly blessed I am to have gone to the temple to have that special experience with this old man who clearly loved his wife but was so positive about everything and told me some things I needed to hear. Heavenly Father, you work in mysterious but oh so wonderful ways. Thank you for the love you show me through other people.

STATUS DAY 2:
*Went to work till 5:30
*Went to the gym for 12 minutes (Just jogged 3 laps and walked the last one) FYI you do not need to do much just get out there!
*Didnt eat a single treat or chocolate chip cookie today!
*Went to the temple for 3 hours (I like to round up) haha
*The Temples are the key!
Weight: Still 188 pounds (I will get there!)